Michele,
Thank you for your extensive edits and suggestions to improve the draft. Very much appreciated.
If other members have any additional proposals, please send them this week. My plan is to put together a consolidated draft in advance of our January meeting. At that meeting we can also discuss and hopefully resolve any final issues needed for the PMRM revision.
Best wishes to all for happy holidays.
John
John Sabo
PMRM TC Chair
Sent from my iPhone
On Dec 12, 2015, at 8:31 PM, <> <> wrote:
John et al,
Here are my comments. Although I was reading some of this with fresh eyes, other parts were, obviously, very familiar to me. I strived to continue to read from the perspective of a new reader, in order to highlight anything that had not been adequately explained.
I
suggested changes for what I feel could be easier-reading (especially
on some of the longer, compound sentences), particularly if they help to
have key words "pop out" at the reader (for purposes of further
marketing PMRM)
I highlighted lack of
consistency on capitalization of various words (Privacy, Actor, System etc.) - but
recognized when it might have been a deliberate choice, in order to avoid
confusion with our PMRM "proper nouns" (e.g. Agreement, Services, Actor, etc.). I noted them as I found them, so we can just make a master list of words that are inconsistently being capitalized - and decide what we want for each.
I
tried to format the Table of Contents, again for the quick snapshot
view for new-users. The comments I tried to make regarding the ToC are
displaying in reverse order and not referencing the exact line. My
suggestions were to use & or / in the ToC listings (for the "popping
out"/quick view) and I was unsure what to do spacing-wise with the
unnumbered title-header after 4.1.
Also
in the ToC, we could capitalize the names of the services (e.g. AGREEMENT service,
USAGE service) as well as not repeat "Identify, Identify and Specify"
for each line in those sections of the ToC - but not sure how you feel
about not having it precisely match the subsection titles. Another way
to do it - strictly for quick-view enticement for new potential users -
is :
Identify: Incoming PI
Identify: Internally-Generated PI
Specify: Inherited Privacy Controls etc.
Similarly:
Core Policy Services
Agreement
Usage
Privacy Assurance Services
Validation
Certification
Enforcement
Security
I raise awareness to confusion (for me and/or for any new reader) in our use of the words Create, Communicate, Transmission and Constraints (vs. "Privacy Constraints"). You'll see me make comments as I read along and hopefully these will make sense. Please recognize that I ask the questions as I had them, and if they were explained later in the document, this still posed a problem since we'll lose a new reader's attention if they are confused about something until "later in the document". I tried to identify things that could be added to the Overview to allay this.
Alot of the comments reference linkage to PbD. To a new reader, this will be foreign, so perhaps an additional paragraph in the Overview will establish the importance.
I ran a spell check on my own comments. If I
happened to have corrected something in your OWN comments, that was
unintentional! ;)
If you have any questions, please let me know. I apologize for my unavoidable delay in getting this to you.
Have a blessed and Merry Christmas!
Michele
<PMRM-v1 0-cs01 Review Document GM-JTS-NNM-GM November 7 2015- UPDATED DRAFT -MDcomments.docx>
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