Re: [pmrm] PMRM Comments

Michele,

Many thanks for your edits! 

I have reviewed them and sent my comments on to John (attached). You feedback will definitely improve the PMRM.

Where I did not comment or change the text, I agree with your observations.

Best, Gail

On Sat, Dec 12, 2015 at 8:31 PM,  <> wrote:

John et al,

Here are my comments. Although I was reading some of this with fresh eyes, other parts were, obviously, very familiar to me. I strived to continue to read from the perspective of a new reader, in order to highlight anything that had not been adequately explained.

I
 suggested changes for what I feel could be easier-reading (especially 
on some of the longer, compound sentences), particularly if they help to
 have key words "pop out" at the reader (for purposes of further 
marketing PMRM)

I highlighted lack of 
consistency on capitalization of various words (Privacy, Actor, System etc.) - but 
recognized when it might have been a deliberate choice, in order to avoid 
confusion with our PMRM "proper nouns" (e.g. Agreement, Services, Actor, etc.). I noted them as I found them, so we can just make a master list of words that are inconsistently being capitalized - and decide what we want for each.

I
 tried to format the Table of Contents, again for the quick snapshot 
view for new-users. The comments I tried to make regarding the ToC are 
displaying in reverse order and not referencing the exact line. My 
suggestions were to use & or / in the ToC listings (for the "popping
 out"/quick view) and I was unsure what to do spacing-wise with the 
unnumbered title-header after 4.1. 

Also
 in the ToC, we could capitalize the names of the services (e.g. AGREEMENT service, 
USAGE service) as well as not repeat "Identify, Identify and Specify" 
for each line in those sections of the ToC  - but not sure how you feel 
about not having it precisely match the subsection titles. Another way 
to do it - strictly for quick-view enticement for new potential users - 
is :

 Identify:     Incoming PI

Identify:     Internally-Generated PI 

Specify:      Inherited Privacy Controls    etc.

Similarly:

Core Policy Services

    Agreement

    Usage

Privacy Assurance Services

    Validation

    Certification
    Enforcement

    Security

I raise awareness to confusion (for me and/or for any new reader) in our use of the words Create, Communicate, Transmission and Constraints (vs. "Privacy Constraints"). You'll see me make comments as I read along and hopefully these will make sense. Please recognize that I ask the questions as I had them, and if they were explained later in the document, this still posed a problem since we'll lose a new reader's attention if they are confused about something until "later in the document". I tried to identify things that could be added to the Overview to allay this.

Alot of the comments reference linkage to PbD. To a new reader, this will be foreign, so perhaps an additional paragraph in the Overview will establish the importance.

I ran a spell check on my own comments. If I 
happened to have corrected something in your OWN comments, that was 
unintentional!   ;)

If you have any questions, please let me know. I apologize for my unavoidable delay in getting this to you.

Have a blessed and Merry Christmas!

Michele

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Gail Ann Magnuson
Mobile: 1.704.232.5648
Residence: Ponce Inlet, FL

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Attachment:
PMRM-v1 0-cs01 Review Document  GM-JTS-NNM-GM More December 14th  2015- UPDATED DRAFT -MDcomments.docx

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